A few years ago, our young-adult son was fighting anxiety disorder and depression, and losing big-time. My husband Steve and I knew something was wrong. But we didn’t know about the overwhelming panic or the stifling depression our son felt.
He drank so much alcohol, so often, that we considered problem drinking his main problem, and I worried that he was driving drunk.
I asked him. He denied it. He said he’d never drive drunk, but my persistent, nagging suspicion didn’t diminish. I didn’t know what to do.
One night, I heard him drive into our driveway very late—two hours after his shift at a local restaurant ended and right after bars close.
The next morning, I called a local police station and asked to speak with an officer in the alcohol and drug addiction unit. During our conversation, I squeezed back sobs. My throat felt like it was closing up, and I could barely squeeze out words that I never, ever thought I’d say, “I’m worried that my son drives drunk. What should I do?” Continue reading “When kids break bad, or sad, who’s to blame?”
Steve and I had our yearly daylight savings time disagreement Sunday morning. He thinks that when we spring the clocks ahead, we should spring our kitchen clock one hour and four minutes ahead. He claims that setting that clock a few minutes ahead of the actual time will help him get to work on-time.
I think that setting our kitchen clock ahead of the actual time by four minutes would be a nuisance and necessitate daily intricate arithmetic. For me.
Remember story problems from elementary school arithmetic? My story problem would go something like this: Faith needs to get to work at 9:00 in the morning. Driving to the parking lot takes 15 minutes. Walking from the lot to her office takes 20 – 25 minutes, depending on the weather, the beat of the music streaming to her headphones and the weight of her book bag. If she gets behind people who saunter slowly down the sidewalk, she will need even more time. (Even after all these years, she’s unsure about the etiquette of passing people while walking down the sidewalk, so she prefers to stay behind.) Add 5 minutes.
Calculate: what time does Faith need to leave home to get to work on time? What time will the kitchen clock read?
Plus, I always set my target leaving time 15 minutes earlier than my actual leaving time. To compensate for a clock set ahead, I’d have to subtract 4 from 15 to determine my target departure time.
It’s just too many numbers.
I’ve thought about ways to resolve this conflict between Steve and I. We could compromise. We could set the clock ahead by a small amount, like two minutes—I wouldn’t notice, so there’d be no need to solve the story problem. But two minutes is not enough for Steve.
We could get his and her clocks. But I like every clock in the house to be set at the same time.
Maybe we should remove all clocks from the kitchen and both use our phones as private clocks?
A few years ago, I addressed the problem by buying an atomic clock. The atomic clock used some kind of quantum science (way beyond my comprehension) to synchronize with The Main Clock that ticks out the time for our entire time zone. I really liked knowing our kitchen clock displayed accurate time. A bonus: setting the atomic clock four minutes ahead is impossible—even for mechanical wizard Steve.
However, our atomic clock is now so old that the synchronizing function doesn’t work.
That’s how many years we’ve disagreed about setting the clock.
Sometimes, Steve says, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
But I’m not a fan of unspoken conflict and I say, “None of that silent treatment.”
I know that, spoken or not, conflict is conflict. And unspoken conflict gathers power and, when the harborer lets down her guard, explode. Been there. Done that. It’s hard to regroup.
The best resolution to conflict, of course, is authentic self-sacrifice. But would you make the sacrifice?
I’m not clear on who should make the sacrifice. Do we measure the degree of self-sacrifice the act requires, compare and then designate according to degree? This act takes less sacrifice for you, so this time, you sacrifice.
Or, this act takes more sacrifice for you, so you sacrifice and get bonus points?
Speaking of sacrifice, I recently noticed on social media that people are posting sacrifice challenges for the forty-or-so days of Lent. Some people are giving up Facebook. Others are fasting from types of food. The challenge that caught my interest was de-cluttering. The goal is to get rid of one item each day during Lent.
I determined to tackle the challenge.
As I sort through my clutter, I’ve mused through my clutter-related memories and have one to share.
When I was young, our family occasionally drove from Canada to visit our New England relatives who had what they called a Fibber McGee closet. We’d ask our aunt where something was and she’d say, “It’s in the Fibber McGee closet.” The closet’s name came from an American radio comedy series. In the show, Fibber McGee’s closet overflowed with an unorganized variety of remarkable items. My aunt’s did, too.
We’d open the closet doors, hold the contents in the closet with one hand, and use the other hand to rummage and find what we wanted: Tennis racquets. Tennis balls. Chalk. Softball gloves. String.
As a kid, I so wanted a Fibber McGee closet at our house. But my mom said that we couldn’t have one because we moved a lot. And people who move have to get rid of clutter. They can’t keep it in a closet.
As an adult, I remembered the Fibber McGee closet, and realized Steve and I have lived in the same house for two decades, and we have two Fibber McGee closets, a Fibber McGee attic and a Fibber McGee garage.
While I think every household should have one Fibber McGee closet, I believe we currently have too many Fibber McGee areas.
I’ve decided to get rid of more than one item each of the 40 days of Lent and I’m gearing up to convince Steve to declutter, too.
For us, the de-cluttering argument is like that daylight savings time disagreement. We have it periodically.
So I am preparing for it.
When I try to throw something away and Steve objects, “I might need it someday.”
I’ll say, “Yes, that’s true.”
Often, I get rid of something and later I realize I want it. On day one of my Lent de-clutter challenge, I got rid of a decade’s worth of old glasses frames. Today, I thought, “A decades worth of old glasses frames would make a cool picture for today’s blog.” Still, I’m glad they’re gone.
Plus, in our current disorganized mess, we can’t find the things we need. Better to have a few things organized than many things so haphazardly stowed that you can’t find what you need.
Sometimes, Steve objects to my throwing things out because, “Someone somewhere needs this.”
I think relinquishing the item to a thrift store so that person can find it is our responsibility.
The reason for not parting with something that is most difficult for me to counter is: this item was given to me by someone living. Or dead. I keep many items because through them I feel tied to a loved one. But sometimes the tied feeling grows stronger than the love memory.
I own a serger that a friend gave me before she died more than a decade ago. I have never used the machine. As cumbersome as a tombstone, it sits in my closet. Recently, another friend pointed out that people in heaven probably don’t care what we do with their things.
I think I can remember my friend fondly with out the serger. I’m getting rid of it (message me if you want it) and all my other clutter.
While I’m good at recognizing and congratulating myself on my sacrifices, even I realize that I’m enjoying de-cluttering way too much to consider it (as I originally intended) a Lenten sacrifice.
I’m positive that coercing Steve to de-clutter doesn’t count as self-sacrifice, for me, either.
Maybe my Lenten sacrifice should be to let Steve spring the clock ahead one hour and four minutes. Maybe I should agree to setting the the clock his way. The daily mental arithmetic can be my sacrificial act. Would you do it?
Problem is–and you can check my calculation–in 40 days, when I’ve completed my Lenten sacrifice and I re-adjust the clocks, he’ll be 8 minutes late for work.
“I’m not sure that I feel good,” a friend recently told me over the phone from 350 miles away.
“What do you mean? What doesn’t feel good?”
“The right side of my face feels numb. I have trouble walking and I can’t write.”
I have a sliver of medical know-how which I gained during one shift as a 15-year-old volunteer candy striper. When the shift started, as I stepped off the elevator onto the hospital ward in my red-and-white-striped uniform, I felt filled with purpose and joy; however, in ten short minutes, I found that oozing body fluids and tubes connected to bodies disturb me. Feeling queasy and faint, I ran to the bathroom and hid for the rest of the shift. The next day, I turned my uniform in.
But even I knew my friend was experiencing stroke symptoms. I told her, “You need to get to the hospital. Now.”
I haven’t always been so adept at diagnosing medical conditions.
Sometimes, I misread a situation and choose to do nothing when urgency is called for.
Once, my husband Steve came home from playing pick-up basketball feeling uneasy. “I feel strange. In the middle of the game, I got dizzy and then I lost my vision for about a minute.”
With a wave of my hand meant to diminish his concern, I said, “Happens to me all the time.”
I have never played pick-up basketball. I meant the dizzy feeling. “Why don’t you take a nap? And eat a sandwich. Yeah, eat a sandwich. Your blood sugar’s probably low.”
A few days later, almost past the lifesaving window of opportunity, a neurologist showed me pictures of Steve’s torn carotid artery and mentioned the life-threatening possibility of a blood clot catching on the flap. Urgency and a panicked oops swelled within me. I didn’t offer the neurologist a sandwich.
Then, we went through years during which our young adult son’s life was falling apart. He often stayed in bed in a dark room with the covers over his head. All day long.
He rarely spoke. He never responded to my nagging: write a list of activities and do them. Check them off one by one. And smile. Smiling doesn’t hurt anyone.
I thought his behavior was a choice. He’s lazy. He’s unmotivated. He’s really grumpy and downright hostile. He can choose between right and wrong and he’s choosing wrong.
When he sat on the back porch, stared into the yard and smoked cigarette after cigarette, I said: stop sitting. Start doing.
He consumed large quantities of alcohol and some drugs. The police arrested, charged, fined and told him to stop.
It took eight long years and our son attempting suicide before we learned his behaviour pointed to medical conditions called major depression and anxiety disorder.
Now, I recognize mental illness when I see it. Not only do I recognize it, I know to seek medical help.
Also, I know the challenge of loving someone who struggles with depression and anxiety.
I often meet people who face that challenge. An encounter that sticks with me took place in December 2010. I was visiting tent cities near Port-au-Prince, Haiti with a medical missions team. Because, as I mentioned earlier, my medical expertise is limited, my job was to serve food (peanut butter sandwiches on white bread) to the hundreds of people who lined up to see the doctors and to hand out crayons and coloring pages to the kids who came along.
At one location, when our supplies were gone, I walked in the tent city with one of the interpreters who assisted our team. We walked on dirt paths between rows of small dwellings. Some were tents emblazoned with relief organizations’ names and others were make-shift structures cobbled together with corrugated steel, cardboard and blue tarps.
Near one tent, some scraggly plants grew. From them, a woman picked beans. I stopped to chat with the interpreter’s help.
The woman held a few beans in her hand. She said they were supper.
“How many people will you feed?”
“Myself. My husband. My three kids.” She motioned to three little kids who played nearby in the dirt.
“Your husband? He’s?” I wondered where he was.
“He’s in the tent sleeping. Since the earthquake and our move here, he can’t find a job. He looked and looked and now he sleeps. He sleeps almost all the time.”
I remembered my son and how, when he was depressed, he slept all day long with the covers over his head. My best efforts to rouse him failed.
In my mind, I listed the symptoms of depression:
sleeping –a lot
persistent feelings of sadness and worthlessness
an inability to engage in formerly pleasurable activities
low energy level
thoughts of suicide
I wanted to say that I recognize depression. I have lived the long, hard years, trying to pick up the slack, beside a depressed individual. It’s not easy.
The woman, the interpreter and I stood in silence for a long moment.
The afternoon was hot and dry. I felt sweat coat my forehead. I wiped it with my dusty hand. I was thirsty. I looked around for water. I wondered how she watered her small garden.
My glimpse into her life revealed that she faced a situation that would sideline most people.
I don’t know what our stand in silence meant for her.
For me? I had no words to acknowledge the extent of the challenge she faced.
She’d fled from an earthquake that left large portions of her city in piles of rubble. Ten months later, bodies remained under those piles. She’d lost her home and moved temporarily to a dusty hillside. There was no running water. No electricity.
Her three kids played in dirt. Her husband faced lingering unemployment and severe depression that interfered with his ability to function.
Yet, she’d planted a garden. And harvested food to cook for her family.
I hoped in some small way that our moment of silence was a tribute to her: queen of resilience.
And I wanted to help. The peanut butter sandwiches that we’d been serving at the clinic were gone.
I dug in my pocket. I found a crayon and three American dollars—not even enough for a Starbucks’ coffee. A dismal gift in the face of her need, I thought. But I handed her the money. “Could you get some rice to go with the beans?” I asked.
Tears streamed down her face and she hugged my neck again and again.
I didn’t learn her name. But I resolved to never forget the challenge she faced. And to someday contribute to getting resources to people like her.
Depression and anxiety are a huge and growing problem all over the world. In the United States, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, these disorders interfere with daily functioning for 40 million American adults. The disorders often go undiagnosed and untreated
Depression is also a big problem in developing countries like nearby Haiti. Experts say that people in developing countries have a lot to be depressed about like scant food, limited resources and few opportunities. Experts say that in most developing countries, there is about one psychiatrist and one psychiatric nurse per 100,000 people.
If you face mental illness or love someone who does, check out these resources:
I’ve written a book called On the Loving End of Crazy: Our Story Told to Equip You to Live Yours
So the pink van that I mentioned in last week’s blog stirred some reader interest and prompted memories for me.
“That van is so tacky, it’s awesome,” said one reader.
I understood what she was saying. I’ve reacted that way to lawn art. I can take or leave an occasional garden gnome or a metal flower. I say a firm “NO!” to large, colorful, wooden backsides placed in the flower bed, but show me an overstuffed armchair upholstered in succulents (which I saw at the Phipps Conservatory in Pittsburgh last year ) and I’m thinking: that’s so tacky its irresistible, I want it for my yard.
For about a decade, I drove the streets in that pink van. The van had a name.
Do you name your vehicles? Some quick internet research revealed that about 25% of Americans name their vehicles. Researchers say that people name their vehicles to establish a bond with their driving machines. Maybe I named the van because, subconsciously, I was trying to bond with the beast or maybe because I recall my mom referring to her cars by name. Usually, she called them “Betsy.” Which, I learned, is the country’s most common car name.
In 1982, when my husband Steve and I met, I knew we were soulmates. We liked the same outdoor activities—skiing, biking and hiking. Together, we tended a small garden and canned the produce. He worked on my car and I cooked in his kitchen. We attended the same small, church and eagerly contributed to the church community. He helped with building repairs and maintenance. I taught Sunday school.
After dating just over a year, we married, bought a house, and had three kids.
We’d been married awhile, maybe, a few years, when I realized our vast differences must mean that we were actually not soulmates. I worried that I just might have married the wrong man.
I stood in line at the grocery store waiting to check out. I was in an aisle where the candy has been replaced by racks of coloring books. Adult coloring books. I read their titles: Travel, Patterns, Flowers, Tattoos. I picked a book up and paged through it. As I turned the pages, I pictured using colored pencils to fill in the detailed designs. I enjoy the sound of a pencil making its way across paper. I felt an urge to toss the adult coloring book on the conveyor belt along with my pile of groceries.
A few years ago, at the Pennsylvania university where I work, I shared an on-campus office with another instructor who was originally from South Korea. One day, as we chatted, she told me that she felt jealous and unloved because her father had given her brother’s fiancée a watch.
“In our culture, the gift of a watch is significant,” she explained.
“Did you tell your father that you wanted a watch?”
“Yes, but he said: you don’t need a watch. You have education!”
I felt sad that her father wouldn’t gift her with education and a watch, but I often try to help people look at the bright side of a situation, so I said, “You don’t wear jewelry.” I based my statement on observation. We’d shared an office for a long time and over the years, I’d noticed that she never wore necklaces, or bracelets. The piercings in her ears were always empty. She was married but didn’t wear a wedding ring. “Why do you even want a watch?”
“You can’t wear jewelry in the United States,” she exclaimed. “You’ll get mugged.”
Yesterday, as I shopped for school supplies, I overheard a frustrated teacher talk loudly as she searched for a type of pencils with soft grips. She explained to the sales associate, “My students don’t hold their current pencils quite right. A soft grip might help.”
Yesterday was my daughter Cara’s 24th birthday. Currently, she’s living in Port-au-prince, Haiti and there are 1550 very long miles of earth and sea separating us. On her birthday, I wasn’t going to see her to celebrate, so I was thinking of her almost every moment of the day. The teacher’s comment made me think of her again and wonder: Had I held my daughterquite right? All those years that I had her close. Did I hold her quite right?
Last week, the first week of spring semester classes, I faced one of those moments when the class dynamic tenses to shift and the direction of that shift–for better, for worse–is up to me, the instructor. I stand, on the spot, in front of the class, and the students wait to see what I’ll do.
The time to act is immediate. The action that will make way for a positive dynamic is not quite clear. So I crawl behind the podium, wrap myself in a fleece blanket, pull out a steaming cup of coffee and the novel I happen to be half-way through and wait for the students to file out. I stay there, protected, until my friends come invite me to do something fun.